I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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