Dude my mom stole all your condoms
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
