He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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