my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
