That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
