Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
