The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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