i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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