I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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