I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
