You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
