tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
