As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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