Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
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On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
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I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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