obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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