I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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