someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
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