All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
