Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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