2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
