Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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