for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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