Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
