I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
