Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Randomize
