No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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