I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
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