Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
