i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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