if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
