That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Randomize
