She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
