dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
