I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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