I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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