I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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