i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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