My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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