You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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