I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
