five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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