the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
