My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Randomize
