I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
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