I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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