so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
