Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
