I don't usually arrange sex via text message
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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