I want to walk on stilts...naked
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
