just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
