I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
