come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
false alarm, still single
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
