I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
