He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
