3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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