I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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